All The Marvel Cinematic Universe Villains Ranked... By How Likely I Am to Sleep with Them

It's the end of an era: Avengers: Endgame came out this month, shaking the very foundations of the MCU to their core. Such an important milestone in the world of cinema deserves to be recognized with a serious discussion on what should follow after it, and how to make sure the superhero genre continues to thrive after it.

This is not that discussion. That discussion was published yesterday, and can be found here. But when I started this blog, I promised myself I would allow myself to write both serious think-pieces and some of that silly stuff that's constantly flooding my brain. So if you're in the mood for something less heady but more fun, you're in luck, 'cause this is a Buzzfeed-style ranking of all the MCU villains, based on whether I’d get freaky with them, and if so, how many times. Because look, the “Ant-Man flies into Thanos’s backdoor and expands” meme might be dead, but I refuse to shy away from diving into the Freudian abyss that is internet culture and giving the people what they really want.

Before we start, here is my method. I am going to judge each villain on four categories: Looks, aka how visually appealing they are to me; Personality, because no one wants to sleep with a wet piece of white bread, or even worse, an asshole; Flavor, which encompasses their sense of style and the vibe they project – very important things for a baddie to successfully woo me; and Efficiency, or how good they are at doing what they do – the tougher to take them down, the hotter. Villains who redeemed themselves, such as Nebula, the Winter Soldier, and Loki, will be included, while most minor villain like the Children of Thanos won’t (but in case you were wondering, I wouldn't sleep with any of them, they're like, super-gross).

Of course, this is a completely subjective list, and it’s not meant to be taken seriously. I don’t actually want to screw an evil robot, MOM. And of course, be wary of spoilers.

With that said, let’s begin!

27. MALEKITH

Looks: Look, when I watched the first season of the new Doctor Who series, I thought Christopher Eccleston was pretty damn hot. Unfortunately, you can barely see him in Thor: The Dark World, with all the make-up. And some make-up it is, huh?

Personality: What personality? Dude is literally your average doomsday villain from a race of evil doomsday people.

Flavor: I will say this, there is something there with the whole “dark elves but aliens” thing, and I do like me a creepy mask. Unfortunately, there’s way better stuff out there.

Efficiency: He does successfully invade Asgard… for like, 20 minutes. That aside, his plan is just some half-assed McGuffin apocalypse that involves planetary alignment or some BS. Yawn.

Final Verdict: Oh, Malekith. Perhaps the worst villain in the entire MCU to date. Is it surprising he would also be the least attractive of the bunch? Seriously, I wouldn’t touch him with a 10-foot pole. …Which is also kind of how he died? Pathetic.

26. EMIL BLONSKI / ABOMINATION

Looks: I know there are some people out there who are into green, scaly skin. Sadly for Mr. Blonsky, that’s not me.

Personality: While I do usually find men in uniform very attractive, Emil is just some disgruntled government operative who thinks “power” means being able to pick up trucks and smash things.

Flavor: Being a giant… well, abomination automatically scores you some flavor points. Not many, though.

Efficiency: Congrats, you achieved your goal and became a disgusting Hulk copycat! …Why did you want this anyway?

Final Verdict: You couldn’t pay me enough.

25. HERMAN SCHULTZ / RED SKULL

Looks: I have so many questions. Is his whole body bony and red, or just the face like in the comics? And if the former, does he wear a full leotard of fake skin under his clothes, or just the mask?

Personality: I mean. He’s a NAZI, only somehow worse?

Flavor: Hot take: “Nazi without skin tissue on his face” a flavorful villain does not make.

Efficiency: That said, Herman does manage to stay on top of his world domination plan for most of the movie. His final gambit isn’t very inspired, but at least he got close enough to success to force Captain America into a heroic sacrifice.

Final Verdict: HEIL NO.

24. ARNIM ZOLA

Looks: Even before he switched to Windows 95, Arnim was just a small, whimpering man.

Personality: Imagine being a Nazi, but also being a coward.

Flavor: He gets an extra Flavor point by managing to digitalize himself, but that’s about it.

Efficiency: And here is how Dr. Zola managed to slither his way onto this list and surpass his former employer. It takes a certain amount of smarts to infiltrate S.H.I.E.L.D. and slowly turn it into Hydra 2.0. And let’s not forget, we have to thank him for keeping the much more bang-able Bucky Barnes alive in our century.

Final Verdict: Ctrl + Alt +Delete.

23. RONAN

Looks: He’s clearly pretty beefy, but look at that atrocious make-up job!

Personality: Look, if I wanted quasi-religious intolerance mixed with supremacist values, I’d go to the local pastor.

Flavor: He’s blue, sooo… blueberry? In all honesty, being "Space Frollo" only takes you so far.

Efficiency: The dude’s pretty scary, I will give him that. And he does almost win, albeit simply by beating the crap out of anyone who tries to stop him.

Final Verdict: He’s not hammering me anytime soon.

22. BROCK RUMLOW / CROSSBONES

Looks: Frank Grillo is peak sexiness. Too bad he gets, uh, “grilled” at the end of Winter Soldier.

Personality: Look, it’s another Nazi! This one is more in the flavor of “I was just following orders”, which still makes him a pretty boring dude. He does have some good banter in Winter Soldier, though.

Flavor: Pre-melt, Brock is just a thug – I had no idea he was an actual comic book character until I read his name in the credits. Post-melt, however, he gets a cool mask and get up, which do count for something.

Efficiency: He… blows himself up? Yay? Honestly, would you really find someone with such a bad sense of self-preservation that attractive?

Final Verdict: Maybe pre-Civil War, if I didn’t know he was a GODDAMN NAZI.

21. DARREN CROSS / YELLOWJACKET

Looks: We’re finally getting into more acceptable territory here. Corey Stoll is a pretty sexy man, even when he’s playing a massive creep.

Personality: Mr. Cross is clearly the kind of guy who turns real clingy after a single hook-up. Sure, at first all the flowers and chocolates might be flattering, but you know that eventually you’d find him standing outside your house in the middle of the night.

Flavor: I mean, the suit’s pretty badass. That’s about it, though.

Efficiency: Weapons selling. We’ve seen it before, and done better too.

Final Verdict: I might be tempted to check out his stinger at a first impression, but I’d probably run away as soon as he started talking.

20. IVAN VANKO / WHIPLASH

Looks: He’s got some meat on his bones, but that hairline is tragic.

Personality: That said, he is kind of a funny guy, and probably one of the least problematic bad guys in the MCU. And he loves animals!

Flavor: He’s got some spice to him, mostly because of that harness/electric whip get-up. Very BDSM. Sadly, he ditches it almost immediately in the movie.

Efficiency: Ivan is actually pretty smart, all things considered. He manages to play naïve scene queen Justin Hammer like a fiddle, and almost razed the Stark Expo to the ground. Plus, revenge is always a pretty sexy motive, as later entries will prove.

Final Verdict: Only if he wears the harness.

19. AYESHA

Looks: For someone who is exalted as a paragon of beauty she’s… cute. It’s just… the gold skin is a lot to take in.

Personality: Oh, she’s a stuck-up beeyotch. There is something intriguing about the idea of seducing her into letting herself go, but that says more about me than her, honestly.

Flavor: That said, she is basically space royalty, and it definitely shows. I mean, she has peons roll out a red carpet for her! Who wouldn’t want that?

Efficiency: HAHAHAHAHAHAH

Final Verdict: In all honesty, I’d be tempted, just so I could say I did, but she’s probably not worth the headache.

18. ULYSSES KLAUE

Looks: You kind of get so used to only hearing Andy Serkis’s voice in movies, that you kind of forget is a pretty decent-looking dude in the flesh.

Personality: Klaue is foul, but like… in a fun way? I’d definitely grab a beer or two with him.

Flavor: On paper, Ulysses should really fall hard in this category. Fortunately, Serkis’s over-the-top aussie accent, the tatted arms, and that sonic arm-cannon are here to save him.

Efficiency: That said, Klaue is little more than a nuisance in both movies he’s in.

Final Verdict: I would probably have to be really drunk. Which I suspect is the only way Ulysses has sex anyways, so…

17. KAECILIUS

Looks: Mads Mikkelsen is a pretty good-looking guy… but just like Ronan, I can’t move past that make-up. I mean, come on, those panda eyes? This is why you buy water-proof mascara.

Personality: He’s a fun guy, for someone attempting to summon proxy-Satan.

Flavor: You’re telling me you wouldn’t be at least intrigued by the whole Avatar/dark wizard vibe he’s got going on?

Efficiency: We’re still in the realm of textbook world-ending villainy, but he does manage to get pretty far with his plan, and he probably would have won, if it weren’t for the usual MacGuffin shenanigans.

Final Verdict: Maybe… if only because it would probably be something very similar to sex on LSD.

16. ALEXANDER PIERCE

Looks: Hey, it’s Robert Redford. Sure, he’s no spring chicken anymore, but that still counts for something.

Personality: Possibly the least offensive kind of Nazi, the “I’m doing it for the greater good” kind. He’s a pretty affable dude, all in all. And let’s face it, that milk scene was kind of… intense.

Flavor: Eh. He’s probably the best “evil businessman” on the list, but that’s still an underwhelming category to compete in.

Efficiency: Now we’re talking. Alex here rose all the way up to S.H.I.E.L.D. Secretary, basically Fury’s second-in-command, all while secretly working for the other team. His final plan was pretty damn ambitious too, and he almost pulled it off without raising a single finger.

Final Verdict: Look, I know so far I’ve had a strict No-Nazi policy. But you don’t say no to the ‘Ford, even when he’s about to commit socio-politically charged mass murder. I probably wouldn’t even enjoy it, but hey, I might get off the kill list that way, you know?

15. AVA STARR / GHOST

Looks: Even while portraying a desperate, consumed black ops assassin, Hannah John-Kramer manages to look pretty damn gorgeous.

Personality: I mean, she’s absolutely insane, but to be fair, wouldn’t you be as well if you lived in a state of constant pain?

Flavor: That outfit is so cool! And so is the whole “going through objects” thing. …Again, side effects notwithstanding.

Efficiency: Ava does manage to stay a consistent threat, but honestly, only because of the meddling of that other gangster dude (who is so forgettable that I didn’t even bother to include him on this list).

Final Verdict: After she gets cured? Definitely. Before? I wouldn’t dare to even suggest it. I mean, she’s in agony almost 24/7. I’m not a douchebag.

14. OBADIAH STANE / IRON MONGER

Looks: There are a couple of evil fathers in the MCU, but Obadiah Stane is the one true daddy of this list. We are talking about Jeff Bridges, after all.

Personality: For a war profiteer, Obadiah is actually a pretty cool dude, all things considered.

Flavor: Unfortunately, he’s also the first of a long series of villains that just copy the hero’s motif/equipment. It’s like Pepsi: passable, but doesn’t really enthuse you the way a can of Coke would.

Efficiency: Obadiah is humble in the simplicity of his machinations. He had a good thing going, until that little twerp of his best friend’s son butted in. Still, up until he rips Tony’s arc reactor from his chest, he does little of effect but yell at and murder his own employees.

Final Verdict: If I ever wanted a sugar daddy, this is the man I’d call.

13. ULTRON

Looks: Ultron clearly looked at a lot of Men’s Health online covers while building his robot body. That thing has the proportions of a weightlifter.

Personality: As far as crazed A.I.s go, Ultron is pretty human. He doesn’t have the traditional monotone Siri voice most movie A.I.s have, and can even crack some jokes! Probably a result of being designed by the world’s most charming jackass.

Flavor: It’s a big evil robot, which is a pretty traditional flavor, but James Spader’s deep, smooth voice gives him a little bit of an edge.

Efficiency: Of course, he wants to destroy all humans. That’s standard rogue A.I. fare. But the way he goes about it is… kind of dumb? “I’m going to raise a big rock up to the sky and then smash it back down to Earth.” Really? I get it, just activating all nuclear codes around the world is too predictable, but he could have definitely come up with something better than that. He does get to kill at least one superhero, though.

Final Verdict: Eh, why not? He’s literally connected to the internet 24/7, you know he’s looked up how to make sure you have a good time. And, again, that voice. Would connect to his hotspot, possibly more than once.

12. NEBULA

Looks: Karen Gillian is a goddess. That said, Nebula’s mechanical, doll-like movements creep me out at times.

Personality: OK, I might be biased here, but I actually really dig Nebula’s deadpan snarkiness. I feel like we would really vibe together, roasting the rest of the Guardians and the Avengers. Too bad for those huge daddy issues of hers.

Flavor: I’d say “robot assassin from space” is pretty damn flavorful.

Efficiency: Oh, Nebs. You might be a badass, but you pretty much lost every fight you were ever in.

Final Verdict: Yeah, sure! If she’d be into it. Which I don’t know if she is, like, in general.

11. BUCKY BARNES / WINTER SOLDIER

Looks: Real talk: Sebastian Stan is fiiiine. Not a huge fan of the long ‘do, though.

Personality: Bucky’s a bit of a dull edge. He’s got that whole moody vibe going on, which is understandable when you have a past as a professional assassin that’s been kept on ice for decades. But having a tragic backstory is kind of the bare minimum around here.

Flavor: You know that thing where like, you know you shouldn’t lick a frozen steel pole, but that’s exactly what makes it so irresistible? That’s me with Bucky’s metal arm.

Efficiency: As the Winter Soldier, Bucky was terrifying. You knew that when he showed up things were about to take a real bad turn. After he joins the good guys, he starts fading in the background, but remains a pretty effective killing machine nonetheless.

Final Verdict: I’m pretty sure nothing I could do with him before his brain gets unscrambled would count as consensual. But afterwards, I’d make sure I get the bang for my Bucky, if you know what I mean.

10. GRANDMASTER

Looks: Jeff Goldblum will always be an underrated sex icon. Yes, even (sigh) in those sandals.

Personality: This is possibly as fun and affable a planetary dictator gets. And hey, his people seem happy too, for the most part.

Flavor: He might not be very intimidating, but the Grandmaster makes up for it with style. Party ship? Check. Gladiator arena? Check. Luxurious accommodations for his most loyal subjects? Check.

Efficiency: OK, so he’s not the most competent one of the bunch. But he did have a good hold on his little kingdom before Thor stopped by. That’s got to mean something.

Final Verdict: Come on. It’s Jeff Goldblum! And if he likes you enough, you get to live the high life! It’s a good deal.

9. ADRIAN TOOMES / VULTURE

Looks: Adrian might not be anything to gawk at look-wise, but he’s still portrayed by Michael Keaton.

Personality: A pretty decent boss to his men. A devoted husband and father. And most importantly, a good sport with his archenemy, going as far as keeping his true identity a secret. Despite his namesake, the Vulture might be the nicest villain in all the MCU.

Flavor: Look, all I’m saying is Mr. Toomes had me shivering in that car convo with Peter. And that vulture suit is awesome.

Efficiency: He’s a thief, though definitely not of the common type. He gets his heists planned down to a tee. We stan a man who takes care to do his job properly, even if it’s not blowing up the world like most people on this list.

Final Verdict: Why are all the good ones always taken? Sure, I could still be his “other chick” (get it? ‘Cause birds!), but it wouldn’t be as satisfying as knowing I’ve got his love and loyalty as well as his uh… beak.

8. EGO

Looks: Not within my usual age range, but I must admit, Kurt Russel is peak silver fox in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.

Personality: There’s a reason he’s been with so many ladies across the universe – he’s pretty darn charming… well, until the reveal that he killed every single one of his hundreds of children and gave the love of his life a brain tumor, that is.

Flavor: He’s a GOD-LIKE BEING who is also a PLANET. ‘Nuff said.

Efficiency: Absorbing all life across the universe is a pretty ambitious plan, I gotta admit. Too bad he couldn’t keep his yap shut long enough to fully convert his son to the Dark Side.

Final Verdict: If a god, even a crazy, “Old Testament” style one, asked you to get in bed with him, would you say no? ...Exactly. The cancer thing sadly prevents any kind of long-lasting “god-consort” arrangement from ever happening, though.

7. HELMUT ZEMO

Looks: Zemo might be an everyman in Civil War, but Daniel Bruhl is anything but. I mean, who needs superpowers when you’ve got that piercing gaze, right?

Personality: OK, so we don’t really see enough of him to get a full read on his personality, but hey, he was a loving husband and father, and was super-nice to that one hotel maid. That’s pretty promising stuff.

Flavor: Again, not much flavor here as he’s literally supposed to be an everyday dude (albeit former military). That said, you can’t deny his whole “tranquil fury” vibe he’s got going on isn’t kind of sexy, especially while drowning a Nazi.

Efficiency: Possibly the most effective villain after Thanos, and he didn’t even need an alien army or a full set of divine jewelry. You might even consider him an inspirational icon: he’s proof that anyone, even you and I, can break the Avengers from the inside with just a military background, a crazy convoluted plan, and a couple years of preparation.

Final Verdict: He can tie me up and recite my trigger words any time.

6. ALDRICH KILLIAN

Looks: Guy Pierce + hot bod + dragon tattoos? Yes, please!

Personality: Superficially, sure, he’s pretty charming. But he is kind of a creep with Pepper, not to mention a complete sociopath who turns people into walking bombs, so…

Flavor: Still, if you can keep his temper under control, that thermal skin of his might have… practical uses. Plus, that whole scene where he threatens a bound Tony and then gets all sweaty trying to melt through War Machine’s suit... oooof. *Fans self*

Efficiency: Look, most of us agree the whole Mandarin plot twist was a waste of a character. Still, once you move past it, Killian’s plan was actually kind of genius? I mean, he ran an entire terrorist organization from the shadows, using America’s hard-on for prejudicing foreigners, and then held the President for ransom. That’s real ballsy for someone with a name like “Aldrich.”

Final Verdict: Smart? Check. Rich? Check. Sexy? Check. Hot, both literally and metaphorically? Check and check. 8.5/10 would definitely collude with him.

5. YON-ROGG

Looks: Jude Law. Need I really say more?

Personality: Kind of a coward, and a class-A liar. Those are pretty huge minuses, granted, but he also seems to genuinely like Carol, and treats his subordinates pretty well, which is a welcome change from Marvel’s usual brand of fascist.

Flavor: He’s an alien, but one of the blander ones (a “Pink Kree”, which shockingly enough is a thing in the comics too and not just an excuse to avoid covering Jude Law in blue make-up). Still, he’s got some cool gadgets, so it’s not a complete loss.

Efficiency: You can’t say Yon-Rogg doesn’t do his job properly. Of course, most of the logistics are handled by his crazy Mind Hive boss, but he still manages to keep a pretty huge lie going for years, and then successfully tracks down and captures both his quarry and his former protégé.

Final Verdict: I would be comfortable in a FWB kind of deal, with the possibility for growth into something deeper if he ever drops his genocidal tendencies and pulls a redemption arc in future movies.

4. THANOS

Looks: The chin thing is a little distracting, but eventually I’d get used to it. More importantly, he looks like he could pick me up and toss me around, which is all that matters, honestly.

Personality: A terrible economist, and possibly a soft-spoken sadist. But! He does genuinely seem to love his daughters – or at least one of them – and doesn’t actively relish in murdering half the universe, which… kudos, I guess.

Flavor: Big purple alien overlord from space. His entourage is kind of gross, but he makes up for it with a deep voice that is a perfect mix of both soothing and terrifying.

Efficiency: I mean… he did it. He did the thing. And then, when the heroes tried to reverse it, he almost did it again. You can say a lot about Thanos, but not that he doesn’t get results.

Final Verdict: Weirdly enough, Thanos gives me “tender lover” vibes. You know he’s capable of affection, and with Gamora there, I wouldn’t even have to worry about getting tossed down a cliff for a shiny pebble – she’s got that covered. Sure, erasing half of all life in existence is a pretty deal big deal breaker, but no reason not to enjoy some Titan in your life until then.

3. N’JADAKA / ERIK KILLMONGER

Looks: Let’s just say I too was soaking wet during that ceremonial fight scene between Michael B. Jordan and Chadwick Boseman on top of the Wakandan waterfalls.

Personality: He might be going about it the wrong way, but the man’s all about being progressive and standing with minorities, which is admirable. Plus, he’s funny! I mean, come on, that “Hey, Auntie” line? Priceless.

Flavor: Not the most flavorful guy on this list – especially after he turns into ANOTHER bad version of the hero – but he does manage to pull off the hipster look in his first appearance. And the body-count notches on his body are kind of hot too, TBH.

Efficiency: Oh, he’s efficient all right. Single-handedly takes over one of the most advanced countries in the world, and plans to stage multiple coups across the globe at the same time. He just gets a lil’ bit over-confident once his butt is firmly planted on the throne, which is a bad villain move.

Final Verdict: Uh, DUH? He’s educated, he’s ambitious, and look at that BODY. He even seemed like a fun, caring boyfriend right up until he murdered his girl in cold blood. But I mean, she died for the cause, you know?

2. HELA

Looks: Cate Blanchett? As an evil goth Galadriel?? What else could you possibly want???

Personality: Well, she’s murderous, sure. But she does reward loyalty, and will let you live if you convince her you can be useful to her. I mean, we all know she didn’t really need to keep Skurge around, but she did anyway.

Flavor: The GODDESS OF DEATH. Serving “Maleficent meets Joan of Arc” realness. That’s a flavor you don’t recover from.

Efficiency: Her plans aren’t super-convoluted, but she gets points for literally being an unstoppable force and pretty much the most powerful villain in the whole MCU (again, excluding Thanos with the Infinity Gauntlet).

Final Verdict: YES. A thousand times yes. She could use me as a welcome mat and I’d cry tears of joy every time she’d step on me.

1. LOKI

Looks: Tom Hiddleston is a fairly attractive guy. I still don’t like the long hair, but that’s easily fixable.

Personality: He’s charming, he’s funny, and he’s clever. Honestly, the only movie he’s unbearable in is Avengers, and even then, once you remember Odin did a pretty big number on him (worst. Dad. Ever.), you can almost forgive him. Most importantly, he has shown a willingness to grow and become a better person, which is a crucial trait for anyone in any sort of relationship to have.

Flavor: He’s an Asgardian sorcerer. He can cast illusions. And most importantly, he can turn into anyone he wants, with a penchant for imitating Captain America of all people. Think of the applications!

Efficiency: Loki starts strong in the first movie and stays strong up until Thor: Ragnarok, when people finally wise up to his tricks. From there it’s a slippery slope to getting killed off at the very beginning of Infinity War, but he’s still the longest-standing bad guy (turned-good guy) in the franchise.

Final Verdict: I mean, we all knew Loki would be sitting here at the top. There’s a reason Marvel kept him around for as long as they did – he’s just that captivating of a character. We’ve joked a lot here in this article, but I am dead serious when I say that yes, if I were part of the MCU and I had to date a bad guy, Loki is the one I would wholly, un-ironically go for.

HONORABLE MENTION: QUENTIN BECK / MYSTERIO

Look, I know that the newly-released Spider-Man: Far From Home trailer is trying to sell Mysterio as a good guy, but I ain’t buying it. That said, he is portrayed by Jake Gyllenhaal, so it’s an automatic yes for me either way… with or without the fishbowl.

And that concludes the list! If you have opinions to share or just want to tell me which big baddie you'd go Bonnie and Clyde with, sound off in the comments. Or if going through this list has lowered your IQ significantly and you need to recover with a more intelligent read, I once again feel obligated to recommend this other article of mine.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put in a mail-order for a life-sized Loki pillow. Until next time!